Monday, May 9, 2011

Praying For My Daddy Who Raised Me

So, while I was taking a break from working about 10-15 minutes ago; I got nosey. I brought up my Aunt Elaine's facebook page and saw a post from April 30th that said "prayer request for my dad who's in the hospital and my mom who's stressed." I then went to her daughter's page who had made a few posts including: "grandpas in the hospital again....this time he begged to go..... plz dont go just yet gramps :,(,"hes in the hospital, it might be serious this time," and " im crying, i love you grandpa."

So, a small background. I'll try and keep it short. I was born to my biological mom (Robin) and dad (Michael.) I'll never know the real story about what happened as to why or how I ended up with my father's mom (Kathy) and dad (Dean). Supposedly, my dad was at a bar and my mom was supposed to watch me and she left me with a babysitter who then left me alone and the next morning the garbage man heard me crying and used a neighbor's phone to call the police. The police got in touch with my mom, dad, and my dad's parents. I ended up in foster care and then ultimately went to my dad's parents. My parents parental rights were revoked. I was raised by my grandparents, but was raised to call them mommy and daddy. My dad's sisters became my sisters. My dad, I never knew what to call him. I never called him dad. Anyway, I was raised by my grandparents. Later on in life, I realized some things that were untrue and hurt me a lot. When I was 14 I moved in with my dad and his wife and two sons. I was pretty much chopped liver there. At 17, I moved out. I didn't talk to anyone in his family again until I was 22. I gave my dad and his wife a big chance again and they blew it. They proved they would always be the hateful controllers they always were among other things. I haven't talked to them since. I haven't talked to anyone since. I had a recent issue where I had asked this same Aunt Elaine for pictures of my grandfather because I think my Lil' Bean looks just like him. The outcome wasn't what I had hoped for, but I did ultimately find a picture after going through her wall all the way back to October 2010.

I love my grandfather. He is innocent now in everything I found out. He may have taken part before then, but he doesn't remember. He had a cerebrial aneurism when I was 12. He wasn't the same ever since. I miss him, but when I left my dad's the last time when I was 23; my dad told me to not contact anyone ever again. I will pray for him and pray that he's okay. Aside from the aneurism, he also has heart problems and has for as long as I can remember. So, we'll say at least 20 years. I want to call the phone number I found on, but I'm afraid to. I fear the hostility or rejection I may get. Or maybe I should just send a card? I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I am just sitting here in tears praying for him. I wish I could see him again. I wish he could meet my kids, and DB. I just want to hug him one last time. I want to apologize for all the problems I gave him growing up. I want him to know how much I love him and how I do think about him and the whole family a lot.

I have never been one who could deal with death and sickness well at all. He's only 70 years old. It's not his time. God, please let him live. Give him strength and give him health. My best friend was taken from me far too young in 2009. My Lil' Bean is kind of named after my grandfather and my best friend. His first name is after someone close to my best friend and is similar to my grandfather's name. They begin and end in the same letters. His middle name is my best friend's husband's name, but with a different spelling.

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-Nikki Layne