Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I Miss You

I miss you so much. It's not fair. None of this has been fair. Having the inability to talk to and see you really hurts. It's been four months since this all happened. I'm ready for it to be over. I've spent many nights in tears, but I still try to put a smile on my face. I try to stay strong. I keep telling the boys that daddy will be back with us again soon. In reality, I don't know when that will be. I'm glad Lil' Bean is too young to understand and Sweet Pea is too young to ask questions. I just don't know what to do. I try not to punish you, but sometimes I feel like maybe if I just pretended like you didn't exist all of this would be easier on me. In the beginning my mindset was totally different than it is now. Sometimes being in love sucks when you're being forced to be apart. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of missing someone who lives just on the other side of town. I'll keep holding on, though. I always do. I know they say distance makes the heart grow fonder. We'll see. Just know that I love you and so do the boys.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I Love It

I love how you can tell someone to not contact you ever again and they just don't listen. You can flat out tell them what the repercussions will be if they continue to contact you, but they seem to think they're untouchable. One day their luck on not facing any consequences will come to an end and then they will realize they should have quit while they were still ahead.

It's funny when people call you controlling when they quite obviously don't know the meaning of the word. The only thing I am trying to control is the type of people I want in my life and my children's lives. I refuse to allow my children to be affected by toxic individuals the same way I was. They deserve better than that. However, this same individual wants to try and control what I post on my blog. This is my blog and I live in America where I have the luxury of enjoying freedom of speech. I can and will post whatever I feel like. You can b*tch and moan about it all you want. If you don't like what I post, don't come to my blog and read. This is a place where I can express how I feel and I won't have some worthless woman try and control that. Maybe if you weren't so obsessed with me, you would quit stalking my blog. Just get over the fact that I want nothing to do with you.

You, my friend, are demented. You are sick. You need serious psychological help. You are a habitual liar, thief, and cheater. You never deserved to have children. You never deserved a family. I am glad I never grew up knowing you as my mother. I regret wasting the last 10 years of my life trying to get to know you and have a relationship with you. I wish I never knew you.

With each time you contact me, I feel more and more bad for you. You are pathetic. I hope one day you find your way and get the help you need. I hold no hopes on that ever happening, though. I try very hard to not hate you, but thinking about everything makes it very difficult. That's the main reason I don't ever want to hear from you. I don't want to hate you, but I get closer and closer to feeling hate towards you each time I hear from you.

So, do us both a favor and do not contact me. Forget I ever existed. I am not your daughter. You did not raise me. You are just another person in this world that I never knew. Don't come to my blog. I will write about whatever I want and I'll be damned if I let some disgrace to society try to tell me what I can and can't write about.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Just Stop

I don't know why you're continuing to try accessing my accounts. Just stop. I want nothing to do with you and I never will again. Forget my emails. Forget my name. Forget I'm even your daughter. You did a pretty good job of that for 15-18 years. It shouldn't be too hard to go back to that. Focus on yourself and your own life. Don't worry about me and mine. I will be just fine. I'm better off without you. I have to stand my ground this time. I can't allow you to fool me into your "changes" again. If you change, it'll be all for yourself. That's how it should be. You've just hurt me too many times over the years for me to even consider giving you another chance. This is just how it has to be. You hurt me entirely too much over the years. Seeing that you never changed and probably never will, I can't give you the opportunity to hurt my children. I need to protect them. I don't ever want them to go through what I've gone through. This is the end. It ends here. You don't know me and I don't know you. Stay out of everything of mine. Do not try and contact me.

I Should Be Sleeping

I was starting to think about going to bed when a song came on. I'm listen to Music Choice on my TV while I work. Well, the Dixie Chick's song called "I'm Not Ready To Make Nice" came on. I listened, like really listened. After the song was done, I pulled up two music videos and two sets of lyrics side by side. I pulled up the Dixie Chick's "I'm Not Ready To Make Nice" and the response "I'm Not Ready To End The Fight" by David Thibodeaux. I played both. I realize that both are military songs pertaining to the war in Iraq. However, given everything I've been dealing with lately I gave them a new meaning.

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, i'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But i'm still waiting"

I am working very hard to forgive her for everything she has put me through my entire life. Forgetting has honestly been what I've done for 25 years. I was told tonight how unhealthy that is. I was told I have to deal with it, process it. Acting as if it never happened doesn't do anything or find me any closure. Time is supposed to heal everything and so much happened so long ago, but I'm still waiting to be fully healed.

"I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And i'll keep paying"

I doubted a lot over the years. I tried to doubt what I was told. However, now I feel like I no longer have to try and figure out whether certain things happened. It sucks. The price I've paid is in hurt. Everything has brought so much hurt in my life. I know the hurt will never fully go away, but I also know that in time it will get better. I've come close to coming to terms with everything before. However, then I was a made a fool again when I tried to believe in someone and something so unattainable it's unreal.

"It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger"

What's really sad is when a mother doesn't know her daughter and vice versa. I hate knowing that I never knew you and I never will. I know what was shown to me and I know what I was told, but that's it. The fact is, when someone is like a perfect stranger to you (family or not) it makes it rather difficult to know how you should feel. There isn't hate, but there isn't love either. It's a pretty screwed up feeling of the unknown.

"Forgive, I should
Forget, bet you wish I would"

I know you want me to forgive and forget. Hell, you don't want me to believe anything that I know. However, I think if I would just forgive and forget that it would make things easier for you. I basically have forgiven and forgotten for the last 10 years on and off. I just can't do it anymore. I know what's been done. I forgive you for being lost, but I can't forget the turmoil that ensued from your actions.

I’m not ready to end the fight
I’m not ready to back down
I’ve been through hell
And I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to turn back now
You know I wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m proud as hell
I can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should"
This fight will go on forever. I believe what I believe and you want me to believe what you want me to believe. I'm sorry, but I have too much proof to try and believe you. You've lied to me too much. You've put me through hell. I can't continue wasting my time going 'round and 'round having me say what I believe and having you rebuttal with what you want me to believe. I wish you could be honest. I wish I could believe you. You've hurt me a lot, but I am proud of myself for having the ability to be so strong for the 25 years I have been battling this. 
"In your bed you sob like a baby
So full of regret as you lye there prayin’
And it’s a sad, sad story that a mother didn’t teach her
Daughter to respect those who protect her
And now you know how the words that you say
Can send so many over the edge
That hearts fill up with hate and anger
As you dream of a way to make it better
You can’t make it better"
I wonder if you cry and hurt like I do. I wonder if it even affects you at all. I wonder if you regret anything. The unfortunate thing is you threw me to the ground when I was the only one still trying to defend you, protect you, and help you. I was the only one still standing by you through it all. You just couldn't be honest with me. Unfortunately, all of these findings ended up being the straw that broke the camels back. I am angry and I try very hard to not hate. I tell myself it's wrong to hate, but there are times I find myself treading that thin line. I doubt you want to make it better because you've had 25 years to try and make it better. At this point, your chances of making it better have been cut.

Losing Weight, Losing Stretch Marks

So, I have been on my diet for a little over three weeks now. Right before I had Lil Bean, I was 144lbs. I am now 113lbs! He's only 2 weeks old. I am really excited that I lost all of my baby weight so quickly. I was 109lbs before I conceived Lil Bean. My weight is almost perfect. I'd just prefer it to be an even number. So, if I can lose just 3lbs to be 110lbs, I'll be very happy. I am confident I can lose those 3lbs no problem. It didn't take much for my to lose all that I have already. This diet truly worked wonders for me. I will maintain a healthy diet in order to maintain my weight.

Since I have had two babies in such a short time, I obviously have stretch marks. I hate them! Everyone says they're proof I'm a mom. Well, I have two kiddos that prove that. So, I'd like to lose the stretch marks if I can. There have been all these ads on TV for Mederma. $40 later, I am now the proud owner of a bottle of Mederma. I took one picture of some stretch marks on my thigh. I'm not brave enough to just post that picture, though. So, I will take a picture each week to show changes. At the end of it all, I may post pictures that show my progress from each week. It says I should begin to see results after four weeks, but optimal results at twelve weeks. So, here's to hopefully losing my stretch marks!