Day 1: Heartbroken

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Well, today was court and the most unfortunate thing happened; he went back to jail...for 20 days. I'm sure everyone thinks that's not so bad, but it is. They also would not remove the protective order, they want supervised visitation between DB and Sweet Pea, DB has to partake in many different programs, and he will be on intense supervised visitation for 3 years. The only way the protective order will get lifted is if our counselor/counselors at Chrysalis say they believe we should be in contact. I have my first individual appointment on Tuesday. DB has had two sessions already. I am hoping I can get in a couple sessions while he is in jail so that we can come together and begin our couples counseling as soon as he's out. That is the only way I'll be able to see him. I can't have him risk seeing me any other way until it's approved with 18 months of prison time hanging over his head.

I miss him. I always miss him. I just want our family back. I wish the courts could see how much I struggle without him. I know what he did was wrong and I know it can't be overlooked. However, he has come so far. He is attending Batterers Intervention, AA twice a week, and church 5 hours a week. He also started attending Fathertime with Kyler and plans on either picking that back up or going to a different parenting class when he gets out. He has not taken a sip of alcohol since the night that caused all of this. He is also doing his individual counseling. He is doing so much. He is doing everything he can to change. I am proud of him.

I struggle. I struggle emotionally and financially. DB was the moneymaker and I have been struggling ever since I had to take over. I have had to get some serious assistance and even that hasn't been enough. I was hoping after all of this he'd be able to come back home and we'd be able to pay together.

Today was heartbreaking for so many different reasons. When we were in the courtroom I spoke, his grandmother spoke, his lawyer spoke, and DB spoke. It almost sounded promising. Then the DA spoke. That killed it all. He felt the need to bring up things we all already knew. Then the judge started talking. She was talking all positive about DB, but then went downhill. She starts talking about programs and probation. Then a deputy came in and stood in the corner. At that moment I knew exactly what would be next. He got sentenced to 20 days in jail and the protective order would not be lifted. "20 days to be served immediately." The deputy went over to DB and I couldn't handle it. I stormed out of the courtroom in tears.

A friend of mine had the kids outside of the courtroom. I grabbed Sweet Pea and held him so tight and cried. Then DB came out. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. It was a blur. I couldn't even look at him. It was too hard. It was even harder because Sweet Pea was there. I tried not to let him see, but I don't know how well I accomplished that as I was in tears.

I just hope he knows I love him. I miss him. I have a feeling this will set Sweet Pea backwards...again. Thank you stupid courts. I just want my house to be a home again. I want our family back. Right now I just pray he's okay.