Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Goodbye To You

I have no idea where to even begin. I am an emotional wreck. This is time number what that you've crushed my whole world? I stopped keeping track I guess over the years. Do you know what really sucks? Knowing I allowed you to play me like a fiddle for almost 26 years now! You played on my heart, emotions, and faith. I believed you. I put aside everything I had ever been told because of how bad I truly wanted a relationship with you. None of that mattered to you. All that has ever mattered to you is you. I was always a method of convenience to you. If it fit within your agenda, including your ulterior agenda, then and only then would you have a part of my life. Did you ever stop to think about how your actions would affect me or any of your children? Or how about anyone that ever cared about you? My question to you, was it really worth it? Was it worth abandoning each and every one of your children for your own selfishness? 

I'm stuck. I don't even know where to go from here. There is so much I want to say...

I have come to the conclusion that I will never know the truth about anything when it comes to you. You're a habitual liar. I honestly don't think you can help it. I think it is a mental condition and for that I truly feel sorry for you. Maybe one day you will get the psychological help you need, but I doubt if I will be around to witness it. I am wiping my hands of you. You are toxic and you are definitely not the type of person I want around my children. I tried so hard to give you the opportunity to redeem yourself for not being around much when I was child by being a grandparent to my children. You made promises and never followed through. You promised to come visit when Lil Bean was born. Did it ever happen? No! Did you lie to the courts telling them that you were going to be here for my blood transfusion and c-section just so you didn't have to attend that day, which was conveniently scheduled on the same day as my transfusion and c-section? YES! YES! YES! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? I wanted you to be there so badly and you told me you didn't have the money, which was fine. However, you then had the audacity to tell me the day after telling me you wouldn't be coming that you used my c-section and transfusion to lie to the courts in telling them you would be here. Stab me right through my heart why don't you?! At the time I thought I would be completely alone during my c-section. I got extremely lucky and wasn't, but as far as I knew and as far as I had told you; I thought I was going to be alone. You were hellbent on the hospital giving you information even though it's against the new privacy acts. I'm sorry, but being so hellbent on getting information you should have made a way to be there instead of lying about being with me!

Do you know what is truly sad? I was young, probably between the ages of 6 and 10. I would take pictures of you and rip them up into little pieces. Then, I would dig a hole in the dirt under the trees. You know, the trees with the open space up on the hill to the left of the garden and rocks? I would bury your pictures there and have a "funeral" for you. I was so young and that's how I felt. You weren't there, so as a young child you were dead to me. How does that make you feel? Do you want to know how it would make me feel as a parent if I knew my child had done that? Like a failure! You failed me. You didn't have me and months and years would go by without a word from you. Don't give me your bullshit that the Elkins kept you from me. If they did that, it was for my own good. However, if you put in an effort to change and proved you had changed then that wouldn't have happened; if it even happened. Regardless, my point is if there's a will then there's a way. You just gave up. You didn't try. I felt abandoned by you. So, I held funerals for you whenever I would think about it and get upset. I was in counseling at a very young age because of you. I remember going to see some woman with my grandmother and being young. I talked about you. I also remember it being during my fascination with rocks because there was an awesome rock place near where the counselor was that my grandmother took me to once after one of my sessions.

Now, there's something else I also remember. I have never brought this up to you because of how much I wanted a relationship with you. I was probably around the age of 8. You had driven to come and see me. I remember we went to Highland Elementary School so I could play on the swirly slide. Well, in the passenger side door was a mirror. Now, this was 17 years ago. So, my memory is a little rusty. I am sitting here going back in time using my memory to try and remember the details exactly. I believe there was stuff on the mirror. However, there may not have been. Regardless, I had asked my grandparents about it that night at dinner after you had left. They told me flat out that you were or used to be a cocaine addict and that was what the mirror was from. Seriously? You couldn't put an addiction aside for the few hours you got to come and see me? Was it really any wonder as to why we had to beg and plead with my grandparents for us to be able to leave the house alone? I'm sure you'll deny this completely. Due to my memory not being 100% on this and the fact that I never know who to believe between you and the Elkins; I'll never know the 100% truth. However, given recent findings I would have to say that I now believe at least 80% of what I was told growing up.

When it comes to you and my father, there are a lot of questions I have had. I always wondered why my father hated you so much. I know what he told me. He told me the basics; you were a habitual liar, cheater, and thief. Now, I know my father was an alcoholic and did his wrongdoings as well. You claim he abused you. I can half see this as true, but with some modifications. Did you ever taunt him or abuse him? Here's how I see it... I think maybe when my dad got drunk that maybe he did get physical with you. However, I also believe there were times that you got physical with him or got in his face to where he had no choice. I also believe that maybe there were times you were out of control and my dad tried to restrain you. You said he tried to kill you. That I don't believe. If he tried to kill you, why didn't you call the authorities? When I thought DB was going to kill me, what did I do? As soon as he was off of me, I locked myself in the bathroom and called the cops. Attempted murder is a crime and I am pretty sure that even in my father's drunken rages, he knew better. If I'm wrong here, I'm wrong. I was too young to know anything. These are just my opinions on the matter here. You claim you never cheated on my father. You claim it was the other way around. I'm sorry, but I have to call your bluff here. I was told entirely too many detailed stories to believe they were all lies. When my father cleaned out the apartment you two shared after your split, he said he found over 100 business cards. I half believe it. I'm sure he exaggerated with 100, but I'm sure he found a few. My father also told me that he came home many times to find you in bed with countless different men. You claim my father was the cheater. I am sure that it is possible that my dad cheated. However, was it before or after he caught you? I'm not really sure. There are other things I was told that have nothing to do with you that put me in the middle of the road this. I think it's 50/50 on who cheated first and who was trying to get back at who. I will say that it is probable that you both cheated and 100% that you cheated given my most recent knowledge. Now back to him supposedly trying to kill you. Do you remember back when I was in the Children's Center and we had a visit with my DCF worker before I had a family session with my father and his wife? If you recall, we got back to the Children's Center at the same time my dad and his wife pulled up. You were really friendly towards him. I knew it would end badly, so I jetted. I remember being scared. It was a fright flight, so I'm not really sure where I went. I think I went into Lynch Cottage, but I'm not sure where. Anyway, why would you be so friendly towards a man who supposedly abused you and tried to kill you? Better question, why would you give up your child to the family of the person who supposedly did so much harm to you? You claim it's because his family had money. There are public defenders and pro bono lawyers for a reason! Is it possible that the real reason you gave me up to them without a fight is because you knew you would not be a good mother? If that's the case, why did you go on to have three more children after me? 

Do you know that my father used to absolutely despise women coloring their hair? Do you know how long it took for him to be comfortable with his new wife coloring her hair? Do you know why women coloring their hair affected him so much? Let me tell you why... My father correlates women coloring their hair with cheating. Why? Well, he said every time you colored your hair he knew you had another guy in your life. So, of course that would affect him. I remember him freaking out when I put sun-in in my hair when I was 10. I later found out why. He has since overcome this fear of his.

When I was 11, you walked out of my life for what I thought would be forever. You didn't call, write, or come see me. You had gone months and a couple years without coming to see me before. However, it always affected me. You were upset that my grandparents had adopted me. However, you never said anything to them about you getting on your feet to take me. Maybe had you done that, things would have been different. Regardless, you punished me for them adopting me. What sense does that make? Let's punish a child for adult's actions. Yeah, that sounds like a sound decision. Do you have any idea what this did to me? This is what began my downward spiral. I started acting out and doing things I don't think I would have done had you not walked out on me again. I remember getting so mad that I got my purple bike and put it in the middle of the driveway and I told my grandparents I was running away to find you. They tested me. They told me to go ahead and that they were sure I'd be better off. I got on my bike and sat in the driveway while I thought as they went inside. I thought about all the times you weren't there for me. I thought about all the times you had disappeared. I thought about how I really didn't know you at all. I became fearful and put my bike back in the garage and went up to bed. I remember you calling one time on Christmas and the Elkins not letting you talk to me. You had destroyed me, so can you really blame them? I had picked up the phone and heard. I was really upset that they wouldn't let you talk to me, but as a parent now I can see why they didn't. They didn't want to give me the false hope that you would be back in my life with how many times you had walked out on me. So, I can now see that they did the right thing.

When I was 15 years old, I took it upon myself to try and find you. I finally found you through Yahoo Member Profiles. At the time, there was a section that asked for your favorite quote. Do you remember what yours was? I do! I mean, how could I forget? Your favorite quote was "sex, sex, and more sex." Classy! That proved a lot that I was told growing up, but I shoved it to the back of my mind because I truly wanted a relationship with you. So, I finally formed a relationship with you and you were finally trying to be there for me. The only time I got to see you was when I was in the hospital or I ran away, but I was happy to see you as well as my brothers. You were trying to prove yourself to me and I was beginning to put faith in you. I now believe this was all a part of your plan. You wanted me on your side. You wanted me to always believe you and put faith in you. I did for a long time until now.

Now let's do a flash-forward to last year. Last year you left my stepfather. There are a million and one different stories as to why. You say it's because he abused you. He says it's because you were cheating on him with a guy at work. However, the proof in the pudding says you left him because you are greedy. You left him because he was saving up money to give a better life to you and the boys. You wanted that money for some unknown reason. You were unappreciative of what he was trying to do. So, instead of being patient for that better life, you moved yourself into a single room to struggle financially. Not only that, my stepfather didn't abuse you. I know you two had your altercations, but more often than not; they were mutual. You burned him with cigarettes, gave him black eyes, and broke his wrist. The time you claim he "threw" a table at you; he wiped the table clean and knocked everything to your feet after you hit him in the head with a zippo lighter. So, I think you were far from abused. I think you wanted people to feel sorry for you, so you said you were abused when in reality you were both equally guilty. Now getting back to you cheating on him. You flat out lied to me when you denied ever cheating on him. You admitted everything to everyone else and I saw it with my own two eyes. Why did you lie to me? Eventually, you should have known I would have found out the truth. Keep in mind, I knew the truth without seeing it. Your past has proven to repeat itself over and over again. I know you were cheating on him for quite a while and have cheated on him several times in the past. You replied to and posted Craigslist ads. You sent pictures to various guys. Eight days before you went down to Texas to be with Mr. Wonderful you were sending pictures to a guy in New York. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm lying. I'll show you the proof in black and white. I am not saying my stepfather was a perfect guy. We all know he was far from it. However, you are no saint yourself. 

Now, you claim to be all torn up that my brothers won't talk to you. Do you blame them? You cheated on their father however many times, but they only know of once. Then you abandoned them. You couldn't even stay in the same state to see them or fight for them. Maybe if you put half as much effort into being a good parent as you do looking for a good lay, then you might be a halfway decent parent. Also, you might have all of your kids talking to you. Instead, you were more concerned with finding the next man to take care of you. I feel sorry for your boyfriend to an extent. I don't think he really knows anything about you. All he knows is he thinks it was puppy love back when you were a teen. He has no idea what you became after that. However, with my recent findings on him; I question whether or not he would care. Are you aware that your Mr. Wonderful is on a sex on the side site? He logged in one day ago, requested another girl to email him about 2-3 weeks ago and added 5 new pictures 3-4 months ago. This is who you think is Mr. Wonderful? I think you have a misguided view on wonderful. Disgusting, yes. Wonderful, no. However, I think you two are perfect for each other. You're like two peas in a pod. He didn't fight for his son and you haven't fought for any of your children. It's a match made in Heaven.

Since you left my stepfather, you have tried to make it so the only person I talk to is you. You didn't want me to talk to my cousin, my aunt, my stepfather, or my brothers. You tried to make each and every one of them out to be the devil. I know the truth now. The only devil in this situation is you. It was wrong for you to try and control who I talk to. The truth is, you didn't want me to talk to B (my cousin) because you feared her telling me the truth. You knew everything you had told her and you wanted to make her out to be a terrible person, a liar, and more just so I wouldn't believe anything she said. Well, you failed when the writing was on the wall. I know everything you told her and I will get to that here in a bit. You didn't want me to talk to L (my aunt) because you knew that you were in the wrong, but you still wanted me to stand by you. You were wrong for trash talking B and allowing your boyfriend who doesn't even know her to do the same. B made a big mistake in trusting you. The things she confided in you with you had no right to go blasting to the world, especially knowing everything she knew and witnessed. You didn't want me talking to my stepfather because you had left him. Okay, that I can half understand. My brothers? You didn't want me to talk to them because they wouldn't talk to you. Regardless, they are still my brothers. When I asked you about if/when I get married if you would be able to be cordial with B, you said you wouldn't even be able to be in the same room as her. How old are you? 12? My wedding day would be my day. You should be able to be around whoever without an issue because you're more mature than that and don't want to ruin my day. I guess that's the difference between class and trash! B has class. She told me she just wouldn't talk to you, but would not cause an issue whatsoever. However, now none of this is an issue. I am ruling you out of my life and I will invite whoever I wish when I get married. Speaking of getting married, though. Have you not learned anything from your last two marriages? You're not the marrying kind. You are incapable of being faithful and holding down a marriage. So, if I were you (thank God I'm not) I would not waste time or energy on getting married again.

So, now let's get to the number of things you have said about me as your daughter to a number of people. Well, first you were extremely upset that I got back together with DB back in September of 2010. Why? Were you upset that you wouldn't be able to control me the way you wanted to if I wouldn't be moving down there? Were you jealous that I have a solid relationship built on love, which is why we have made it through so much. You know it's like him and I are already married. I'm almost certain your vows meant nothing to you both times, but you know that whole for better or for worse thing? Well, that's DB and I. We have stuck it out for better or for worse. We believe in each other and our relationship. This is called true love, something you wouldn't know anything about. So, I'm sorry you're so jealous and upset that I'm happy. You'll get over it. Now the next thing I know you said doesn't even upset me. It actually makes me laugh my @$$ off! You said you felt bad for Sweet Pea and the child I was carrying being Lil Bean. You claimed I was a bad parent. HA!!!! You would know all about parenting, wouldn't you. I mean, you only walked out on all four of your kids. Never in my wildest dreams would I EVER walk out on my children. I know damn well that I am an outstanding parent. I do not raise my voice, nor do I lay a finger on any of my children. Of course, you wouldn't know any of this seeing as how you haven't seen Sweet Pea since he was 3 months old. Right now I am basically a single parent. I do it all on my own for a newborn and a toddler. I stay up until 4am or later each day working my @$$ off to provide for my children. Have I run into a financial rut? Sure, but I went from solely depending on DB's paycheck to doing it on my own literally overnight. However, I have since picked myself back up from that financial rut now. I am up at 8am to get ready for the day and get up with the kids, feed them breakfast, go to the park, and go about our daily activities. During nap time after lunch, I work more. I let Sweet Pea have his free time before dinner. After dinner they both get a bath and we go into the bedtime routine. By 8pm they are both in bed and I can begin working. So, my days are dedicated to my children and I work 8-10 hours to be sure they have everything they need. So, please tell me how I am a bad mother and also enlighten me as to how you would know! 

So, I'm sure you want to hear about all the grand things you have done for me and how I should be oh so grateful. Well, there really isn't much. You bought my dolls from Rite Aid, visited me in the hospital, and picked me up when I ran away. Oh, you want something big that I have to thank you for? Well, that's easy! Well, actually there are two things. Thank you for giving me life. I am grateful for every day I am here. My life may not have been easy, but it has made me one tough cookie. Next, I want to thank you for showing me how NOT to be. I'm a million times more of a mother to my children than you ever were or will be and because of you, I know exactly how to be a mother to my children; I just have to be the exact opposite of you. You also showed me how not to be in a relationship and as a respectable member of society. So, thank you for that.

Tonight I watched American Idol and Lauren Alaina's final performance was what her first single will be if she wins. Well, I balled my eyes out. Read the lyrics below and watch the video.

People always say
I have a laugh like my mother does
Guess that makes sense
She taught me how to smile when things get rough
I've got her spirit, she's always got my back
When I look at her I think I want to be just like that

When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

She's a rock, she is grace
She's an angel, she's my heart and soul
She does it all

When I love, I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does

When I'm weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because I see myself
Like my mother does


If you read the lyrics, you will notice the line: "When I look at her I think I want to be just like that." You are NOTHING that I want to be. How sad is that? I can't relate to any of these mother/daughter songs. I don't want to be like you. Everything you are is nothing that I am. I only look like you and I thank God that I wasn't raised by you. Who knows what kind of things I would have been subjected to by you.

In closing, I will tell you that I forgive you for all of the hurt you have put me through. I will never forget any of it, though. I forgive you because you are a very lost soul and if I don't forgive you, why should I be forgiven? So, I forgive you. I feel very sorry for you. I don't hate you. I'm not sure how I feel about you. I don't hate you, though. Hate is a very strong word. Am I angry? You bet your last penny I am! Am I hurt? You better believe it! So, I will just pray for you. I will pray real prayers, but for now I have spent the last four hours in tears as I have written this. So, I'm going to post one last video to make me feel better.

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-Nikki Layne