Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day 11-15: So Much Has Happened

So, I've started spacing out blogging and posting on Facebook. It's been unintentional, but a lot has been going on. All I can really say right now was so many people over the course of my life were right. DB was right. My ex-husband was right. Many of my friends were right. Everyone predicted it. Yes, the final letdown from my biological mother happened. It's been a harsh reality for me. Since it all happened she has been trying to get her last stab in, but I won't allow her to hurt me anymore. She has hurt me for almost twenty-six years. I can't let her hurt me anymore. She is no mother; not to me...and now not to my brothers either. She was more of a mother to them, though. She was there for them and supported them until she abandoned them a year ago. She never supported me or anything. Hell, she flat out admitted that she only came to see me to make me happy. She apparently didn't care one way or another if she saw me. I honestly believe that I was the child she never wanted.

She tried throwing it in my face that I have two kids who are biologically from different fathers. Big freakin' deal! She has four kids from two different biological fathers, one of which she had her parental rights revoked from...that one being me. She has since abandoned all of us. She's abandoned me more times than I can count and she has now abandoned my brothers a year ago. She flat out says she doesn't care about them. She says she won't pay child support because they won't talk to her and then she wonders why they won't talk to her. She says I'm a waste of space, but she's a disgrace to mothers. As a mother, I surely don't want to be associated with someone like that. She is no kind of mother if you ask me.

I really wish DB were here. While I know I am doing the right thing by removing her from my life, it is still hard. I was just tired of the hurt and her lies. I've always felt abandoned by her. Someone or something else was always more important than me. However, I still kept her in my life and gave her chance after chance. DB has heard some of the stories because even though I was in contact with him, I thought it was important for him to know everything I had gone through. However, he doesn't know everything posted in my extremely long blog about it all. I think he will be shocked, really upset with her, and relieved. He'll be relieved because I am finally doing what is right for me; being rid of her. He has been telling me for a long time now that I'd be better off without her. He was right and I knew he was right, but I guess it was just something I had to come to terms with on my own.

So, I am really missing DB right now. I wish he were here to hold me and tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I wish he could wipe my tears when I cry. We have our first couple's counseling on June 1st. I feel like it's going to be written all over my face that something really bad happened while he was gone. I really don't want him to worry, but I know he will. I guess that's what happens when someone truly loves you.

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-Nikki Layne