Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I Miss You
Friday, June 3, 2011
I Love It
It's funny when people call you controlling when they quite obviously don't know the meaning of the word. The only thing I am trying to control is the type of people I want in my life and my children's lives. I refuse to allow my children to be affected by toxic individuals the same way I was. They deserve better than that. However, this same individual wants to try and control what I post on my blog. This is my blog and I live in America where I have the luxury of enjoying freedom of speech. I can and will post whatever I feel like. You can b*tch and moan about it all you want. If you don't like what I post, don't come to my blog and read. This is a place where I can express how I feel and I won't have some worthless woman try and control that. Maybe if you weren't so obsessed with me, you would quit stalking my blog. Just get over the fact that I want nothing to do with you.
You, my friend, are demented. You are sick. You need serious psychological help. You are a habitual liar, thief, and cheater. You never deserved to have children. You never deserved a family. I am glad I never grew up knowing you as my mother. I regret wasting the last 10 years of my life trying to get to know you and have a relationship with you. I wish I never knew you.
With each time you contact me, I feel more and more bad for you. You are pathetic. I hope one day you find your way and get the help you need. I hold no hopes on that ever happening, though. I try very hard to not hate you, but thinking about everything makes it very difficult. That's the main reason I don't ever want to hear from you. I don't want to hate you, but I get closer and closer to feeling hate towards you each time I hear from you.
So, do us both a favor and do not contact me. Forget I ever existed. I am not your daughter. You did not raise me. You are just another person in this world that I never knew. Don't come to my blog. I will write about whatever I want and I'll be damned if I let some disgrace to society try to tell me what I can and can't write about.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Just Stop
I don't know why you're continuing to try accessing my accounts. Just stop. I want nothing to do with you and I never will again. Forget my emails. Forget my name. Forget I'm even your daughter. You did a pretty good job of that for 15-18 years. It shouldn't be too hard to go back to that. Focus on yourself and your own life. Don't worry about me and mine. I will be just fine. I'm better off without you. I have to stand my ground this time. I can't allow you to fool me into your "changes" again. If you change, it'll be all for yourself. That's how it should be. You've just hurt me too many times over the years for me to even consider giving you another chance. This is just how it has to be. You hurt me entirely too much over the years. Seeing that you never changed and probably never will, I can't give you the opportunity to hurt my children. I need to protect them. I don't ever want them to go through what I've gone through. This is the end. It ends here. You don't know me and I don't know you. Stay out of everything of mine. Do not try and contact me.
I Should Be Sleeping
"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, i'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But i'm still waiting"
I am working very hard to forgive her for everything she has put me through my entire life. Forgetting has honestly been what I've done for 25 years. I was told tonight how unhealthy that is. I was told I have to deal with it, process it. Acting as if it never happened doesn't do anything or find me any closure. Time is supposed to heal everything and so much happened so long ago, but I'm still waiting to be fully healed.
"I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure outI've paid a price
And i'll keep paying"
I doubted a lot over the years. I tried to doubt what I was told. However, now I feel like I no longer have to try and figure out whether certain things happened. It sucks. The price I've paid is in hurt. Everything has brought so much hurt in my life. I know the hurt will never fully go away, but I also know that in time it will get better. I've come close to coming to terms with everything before. However, then I was a made a fool again when I tried to believe in someone and something so unattainable it's unreal.
"It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger"What's really sad is when a mother doesn't know her daughter and vice versa. I hate knowing that I never knew you and I never will. I know what was shown to me and I know what I was told, but that's it. The fact is, when someone is like a perfect stranger to you (family or not) it makes it rather difficult to know how you should feel. There isn't hate, but there isn't love either. It's a pretty screwed up feeling of the unknown.
"Forgive, I should
Forget, bet you wish I would"
I know you want me to forgive and forget. Hell, you don't want me to believe anything that I know. However, I think if I would just forgive and forget that it would make things easier for you. I basically have forgiven and forgotten for the last 10 years on and off. I just can't do it anymore. I know what's been done. I forgive you for being lost, but I can't forget the turmoil that ensued from your actions.
"
I’m not ready to end the fight
I’m not ready to back down
I’ve been through hell
And I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to turn back now
You know I wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m proud as hell
I can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should"
I’ve been through hell
And I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to turn back now
You know I wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m proud as hell
I can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should"
This fight will go on forever. I believe what I believe and you want me to believe what you want me to believe. I'm sorry, but I have too much proof to try and believe you. You've lied to me too much. You've put me through hell. I can't continue wasting my time going 'round and 'round having me say what I believe and having you rebuttal with what you want me to believe. I wish you could be honest. I wish I could believe you. You've hurt me a lot, but I am proud of myself for having the ability to be so strong for the 25 years I have been battling this.
"In your bed you sob like a baby
So full of regret as you lye there prayin’
And it’s a sad, sad story that a mother didn’t teach her
Daughter to respect those who protect her
And now you know how the words that you say
Can send so many over the edge
That hearts fill up with hate and anger
As you dream of a way to make it better
You can’t make it better"
So full of regret as you lye there prayin’
And it’s a sad, sad story that a mother didn’t teach her
Daughter to respect those who protect her
And now you know how the words that you say
Can send so many over the edge
That hearts fill up with hate and anger
As you dream of a way to make it better
You can’t make it better"
I wonder if you cry and hurt like I do. I wonder if it even affects you at all. I wonder if you regret anything. The unfortunate thing is you threw me to the ground when I was the only one still trying to defend you, protect you, and help you. I was the only one still standing by you through it all. You just couldn't be honest with me. Unfortunately, all of these findings ended up being the straw that broke the camels back. I am angry and I try very hard to not hate. I tell myself it's wrong to hate, but there are times I find myself treading that thin line. I doubt you want to make it better because you've had 25 years to try and make it better. At this point, your chances of making it better have been cut.
Losing Weight, Losing Stretch Marks
Since I have had two babies in such a short time, I obviously have stretch marks. I hate them! Everyone says they're proof I'm a mom. Well, I have two kiddos that prove that. So, I'd like to lose the stretch marks if I can. There have been all these ads on TV for Mederma. $40 later, I am now the proud owner of a bottle of Mederma. I took one picture of some stretch marks on my thigh. I'm not brave enough to just post that picture, though. So, I will take a picture each week to show changes. At the end of it all, I may post pictures that show my progress from each week. It says I should begin to see results after four weeks, but optimal results at twelve weeks. So, here's to hopefully losing my stretch marks!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Two Hours!!
I have a lot of fears. I fear you not wanting to hold on. I fear you finding someone else because you can actually be with them. I fear so many things and I try to calm my fears, but it's hard.
I've been counting down the hours until you get out. I want you to have your freedom. I was just really looking forward to being able to see you tomorrow and now I don't even have that to look forward. I look forward to Kyler getting to see you and Devon too. It's just not fair. None of this is fair. I wish I could go back in time and figure out some other way to get through to you. I wish it never took any of this.
I just miss you. I'll keep holding on. I'll keep crying, but I'll keep holding on. I love you. I always have and I always will. Always and forever.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I Must Be Pretty Damn Awesome!
I think it's pretty funny how I have "people" obsessing over me and my life. It's kind of flattering, really. I mean, they are taking time out of their day to stalk me online and be sure they're up to do date on everything. I know I certainly have better things to do than obsess over others. I have my children to take care of, a house to keep neat, and work to do. I love my life, my family, and my friends. I don't need anyone or anything else. (-;
Having To Fight To Re-claim My Identity
Days 16-19: Crying...
Your grandma read me your letter last night and I couldn't do anything except cry. I can see this is going to be a long road. I was hoping it was all almost over, but now I'm beginning to see that it's only just begun. It really sucks that nobody wants to see how far you've come or the changes you've made. Your grandma and I have talks about it probably twice a week. It's not fair. I'm really upset that you got such a crappy probation officer, and a woman at that. I don't think you should have gotten a woman. Any woman will be offended by the originating offense. They're not even going to try and see the changes you've made or what you're trying to do to make things better. I wish your probation officer would contact me because then she'd truly see where I'm at on things. Of course my phone number has changed now. I'm going to make an attempt to find out who your probation officer is and see if she'll listen to me. I have a copy of the order of protection I can give to her to prove we can go to counseling together. What she doesn't understand is that we only have so many paid for and if we use them all on individual, we have no shot on getting that restraining order lifted. Getting rid of that is dependent on the counselors at Chrysalis. I'm really, really frustrated about that. I bawled my eyes out to your grandma over the phone about it last night. I don't think I've ever cried to your grandma before, but I just couldn't help it.
Today, the kids and I went and hung out over at your grandma's. I think she misses having people there. She's lonely I think. We bonded. We went through a bunch of photo albums. I had to contain myself. I just wanted to cry out of missing you so much. She gave me one 8x10 from when you were probably around 15 for me to keep. Maybe you were 16. Who knows. You haven't changed much over the years. I could pick out every baby picture that was you. She had them all mixed with you and all of your cousins as well as your brothers. Well, I just went out to get a glass of apple cider only to find the picture on the table (I don't have a picture frame for it yet) and I started crying.
I miss you so much. I was really looking forward to getting to see you the day after you got out in counseling. I've cooked a lot of dinners and put the leftovers into freezer bags for you. I also bought you creamsicle oreos, two big bags of the pretzel m&m's, axe body spray, axe deodorant, and some other stuff. I really hope you don't give up on us. Now that we know it's gonna be even longer before we can even see each other, I'm getting nervous about you giving up. I am praying so hard right now. I pray that God is on our side. I miss you. I miss our family. Please hold on a little longer. I'm doing everything I can right now. Tuesday I'll be making a lot of phone calls and talking to whoever I need to. Just know that the boys and I love you very much. We pray for you and our family to become whole again every night. You are our hero. You are a good man who is trying to make right. You made a big mistake, but you acknowledged it and have come so far since then. Not many other people can say the same. You truly are an amazement to society; not a threat. I just hope that I can show that to your probation officer. Just know that no matter what, I love you. Always and forever.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
What A Piece Of Work!!
First, there were all the lies I found out about. Of course she had more lies and excuses to tell in a sad attempt to try and back up her original lies. In the words of someone wonderful, "liar, liar...wish her pants were on fire." That quote will forever make me laugh in my times of anger with this entire situation.
As if all her lies weren't enough, she took it to the extreme when she hacked into several of my accounts and made it (almost) impossible for me to regain access to my accounts again. Luckily, Yahoo and Gmail realized that there was malicious activity from an IP address that had never accessed my accounts before and handled it accordingly. When I got back into my Yahoo account, she did what I had assumed she was trying to do; deleted all of her emails. Unfortunately for her, she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. She forgot to empty the trash. Idiot! Needless to say, I now have all of those emails backed up as well as the emails saying she changed my information. Aside from that, she took it a step further and created a fake email address on my behalf.
WARNING: If anyone receives an email from the email address elkinsnicole@ymail.com, it is not me!
This woman just can't accept the fact that I do not want her in my life or my children's lives. She can't accept the fact that all of her children whom she abandoned have now disowned her. She is nothing more to me now than a baby pez dispenser. She can make babies, but she sure as hell can't be a mother. She is the female version of a sperm donor.
I have tried to not hate her. I have tried to keep my cool about it all, but I just can't anymore. This woman is garbage, a waste of space. I forgive her for everything she has done because I know she is a lost individual in dire need of some serious help. I feel sorry for her and everyone who comes in contact with her. As you can see, it can take years to finally realize what it is you are dealing with.
I sent her an email letting her know that I knew what she had done. I warned her what I would be forced to do if she did not stop accessing my accounts and didn't remove the email address she created on my behalf. The ball is in her court. If she's smart (or has at least 1/2 a braincell left), she'll do as I asked. Otherwise, authorities will be notified. Also, since she is trying to run from over $4000 in child support; if she doesn't want the state of New York to know her physical address as well as the IRS to re-possess the money she unlawfully received by claiming children she does not have, she will do as I asked.
Simply put, be smart for once in your life. I know it's like asking an infant to move a boulder, but it's worth a shot.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Clearing The Air
Thursday, May 26, 2011
So Here's A Question For My Geography Friends
For The Love of Fiji
Day 11-15: So Much Has Happened
She tried throwing it in my face that I have two kids who are biologically from different fathers. Big freakin' deal! She has four kids from two different biological fathers, one of which she had her parental rights revoked from...that one being me. She has since abandoned all of us. She's abandoned me more times than I can count and she has now abandoned my brothers a year ago. She flat out says she doesn't care about them. She says she won't pay child support because they won't talk to her and then she wonders why they won't talk to her. She says I'm a waste of space, but she's a disgrace to mothers. As a mother, I surely don't want to be associated with someone like that. She is no kind of mother if you ask me.
I really wish DB were here. While I know I am doing the right thing by removing her from my life, it is still hard. I was just tired of the hurt and her lies. I've always felt abandoned by her. Someone or something else was always more important than me. However, I still kept her in my life and gave her chance after chance. DB has heard some of the stories because even though I was in contact with him, I thought it was important for him to know everything I had gone through. However, he doesn't know everything posted in my extremely long blog about it all. I think he will be shocked, really upset with her, and relieved. He'll be relieved because I am finally doing what is right for me; being rid of her. He has been telling me for a long time now that I'd be better off without her. He was right and I knew he was right, but I guess it was just something I had to come to terms with on my own.
So, I am really missing DB right now. I wish he were here to hold me and tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I wish he could wipe my tears when I cry. We have our first couple's counseling on June 1st. I feel like it's going to be written all over my face that something really bad happened while he was gone. I really don't want him to worry, but I know he will. I guess that's what happens when someone truly loves you.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Outfits To Ease His Mind
Goodbye To You
I have no idea where to even begin. I am an emotional wreck. This is time number what that you've crushed my whole world? I stopped keeping track I guess over the years. Do you know what really sucks? Knowing I allowed you to play me like a fiddle for almost 26 years now! You played on my heart, emotions, and faith. I believed you. I put aside everything I had ever been told because of how bad I truly wanted a relationship with you. None of that mattered to you. All that has ever mattered to you is you. I was always a method of convenience to you. If it fit within your agenda, including your ulterior agenda, then and only then would you have a part of my life. Did you ever stop to think about how your actions would affect me or any of your children? Or how about anyone that ever cared about you? My question to you, was it really worth it? Was it worth abandoning each and every one of your children for your own selfishness?
I'm stuck. I don't even know where to go from here. There is so much I want to say...
I have come to the conclusion that I will never know the truth about anything when it comes to you. You're a habitual liar. I honestly don't think you can help it. I think it is a mental condition and for that I truly feel sorry for you. Maybe one day you will get the psychological help you need, but I doubt if I will be around to witness it. I am wiping my hands of you. You are toxic and you are definitely not the type of person I want around my children. I tried so hard to give you the opportunity to redeem yourself for not being around much when I was child by being a grandparent to my children. You made promises and never followed through. You promised to come visit when Lil Bean was born. Did it ever happen? No! Did you lie to the courts telling them that you were going to be here for my blood transfusion and c-section just so you didn't have to attend that day, which was conveniently scheduled on the same day as my transfusion and c-section? YES! YES! YES! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? I wanted you to be there so badly and you told me you didn't have the money, which was fine. However, you then had the audacity to tell me the day after telling me you wouldn't be coming that you used my c-section and transfusion to lie to the courts in telling them you would be here. Stab me right through my heart why don't you?! At the time I thought I would be completely alone during my c-section. I got extremely lucky and wasn't, but as far as I knew and as far as I had told you; I thought I was going to be alone. You were hellbent on the hospital giving you information even though it's against the new privacy acts. I'm sorry, but being so hellbent on getting information you should have made a way to be there instead of lying about being with me!
Do you know what is truly sad? I was young, probably between the ages of 6 and 10. I would take pictures of you and rip them up into little pieces. Then, I would dig a hole in the dirt under the trees. You know, the trees with the open space up on the hill to the left of the garden and rocks? I would bury your pictures there and have a "funeral" for you. I was so young and that's how I felt. You weren't there, so as a young child you were dead to me. How does that make you feel? Do you want to know how it would make me feel as a parent if I knew my child had done that? Like a failure! You failed me. You didn't have me and months and years would go by without a word from you. Don't give me your bullshit that the Elkins kept you from me. If they did that, it was for my own good. However, if you put in an effort to change and proved you had changed then that wouldn't have happened; if it even happened. Regardless, my point is if there's a will then there's a way. You just gave up. You didn't try. I felt abandoned by you. So, I held funerals for you whenever I would think about it and get upset. I was in counseling at a very young age because of you. I remember going to see some woman with my grandmother and being young. I talked about you. I also remember it being during my fascination with rocks because there was an awesome rock place near where the counselor was that my grandmother took me to once after one of my sessions.
Now, there's something else I also remember. I have never brought this up to you because of how much I wanted a relationship with you. I was probably around the age of 8. You had driven to come and see me. I remember we went to Highland Elementary School so I could play on the swirly slide. Well, in the passenger side door was a mirror. Now, this was 17 years ago. So, my memory is a little rusty. I am sitting here going back in time using my memory to try and remember the details exactly. I believe there was stuff on the mirror. However, there may not have been. Regardless, I had asked my grandparents about it that night at dinner after you had left. They told me flat out that you were or used to be a cocaine addict and that was what the mirror was from. Seriously? You couldn't put an addiction aside for the few hours you got to come and see me? Was it really any wonder as to why we had to beg and plead with my grandparents for us to be able to leave the house alone? I'm sure you'll deny this completely. Due to my memory not being 100% on this and the fact that I never know who to believe between you and the Elkins; I'll never know the 100% truth. However, given recent findings I would have to say that I now believe at least 80% of what I was told growing up.
When it comes to you and my father, there are a lot of questions I have had. I always wondered why my father hated you so much. I know what he told me. He told me the basics; you were a habitual liar, cheater, and thief. Now, I know my father was an alcoholic and did his wrongdoings as well. You claim he abused you. I can half see this as true, but with some modifications. Did you ever taunt him or abuse him? Here's how I see it... I think maybe when my dad got drunk that maybe he did get physical with you. However, I also believe there were times that you got physical with him or got in his face to where he had no choice. I also believe that maybe there were times you were out of control and my dad tried to restrain you. You said he tried to kill you. That I don't believe. If he tried to kill you, why didn't you call the authorities? When I thought DB was going to kill me, what did I do? As soon as he was off of me, I locked myself in the bathroom and called the cops. Attempted murder is a crime and I am pretty sure that even in my father's drunken rages, he knew better. If I'm wrong here, I'm wrong. I was too young to know anything. These are just my opinions on the matter here. You claim you never cheated on my father. You claim it was the other way around. I'm sorry, but I have to call your bluff here. I was told entirely too many detailed stories to believe they were all lies. When my father cleaned out the apartment you two shared after your split, he said he found over 100 business cards. I half believe it. I'm sure he exaggerated with 100, but I'm sure he found a few. My father also told me that he came home many times to find you in bed with countless different men. You claim my father was the cheater. I am sure that it is possible that my dad cheated. However, was it before or after he caught you? I'm not really sure. There are other things I was told that have nothing to do with you that put me in the middle of the road this. I think it's 50/50 on who cheated first and who was trying to get back at who. I will say that it is probable that you both cheated and 100% that you cheated given my most recent knowledge. Now back to him supposedly trying to kill you. Do you remember back when I was in the Children's Center and we had a visit with my DCF worker before I had a family session with my father and his wife? If you recall, we got back to the Children's Center at the same time my dad and his wife pulled up. You were really friendly towards him. I knew it would end badly, so I jetted. I remember being scared. It was a fright flight, so I'm not really sure where I went. I think I went into Lynch Cottage, but I'm not sure where. Anyway, why would you be so friendly towards a man who supposedly abused you and tried to kill you? Better question, why would you give up your child to the family of the person who supposedly did so much harm to you? You claim it's because his family had money. There are public defenders and pro bono lawyers for a reason! Is it possible that the real reason you gave me up to them without a fight is because you knew you would not be a good mother? If that's the case, why did you go on to have three more children after me?
Do you know that my father used to absolutely despise women coloring their hair? Do you know how long it took for him to be comfortable with his new wife coloring her hair? Do you know why women coloring their hair affected him so much? Let me tell you why... My father correlates women coloring their hair with cheating. Why? Well, he said every time you colored your hair he knew you had another guy in your life. So, of course that would affect him. I remember him freaking out when I put sun-in in my hair when I was 10. I later found out why. He has since overcome this fear of his.
When I was 11, you walked out of my life for what I thought would be forever. You didn't call, write, or come see me. You had gone months and a couple years without coming to see me before. However, it always affected me. You were upset that my grandparents had adopted me. However, you never said anything to them about you getting on your feet to take me. Maybe had you done that, things would have been different. Regardless, you punished me for them adopting me. What sense does that make? Let's punish a child for adult's actions. Yeah, that sounds like a sound decision. Do you have any idea what this did to me? This is what began my downward spiral. I started acting out and doing things I don't think I would have done had you not walked out on me again. I remember getting so mad that I got my purple bike and put it in the middle of the driveway and I told my grandparents I was running away to find you. They tested me. They told me to go ahead and that they were sure I'd be better off. I got on my bike and sat in the driveway while I thought as they went inside. I thought about all the times you weren't there for me. I thought about all the times you had disappeared. I thought about how I really didn't know you at all. I became fearful and put my bike back in the garage and went up to bed. I remember you calling one time on Christmas and the Elkins not letting you talk to me. You had destroyed me, so can you really blame them? I had picked up the phone and heard. I was really upset that they wouldn't let you talk to me, but as a parent now I can see why they didn't. They didn't want to give me the false hope that you would be back in my life with how many times you had walked out on me. So, I can now see that they did the right thing.
When I was 15 years old, I took it upon myself to try and find you. I finally found you through Yahoo Member Profiles. At the time, there was a section that asked for your favorite quote. Do you remember what yours was? I do! I mean, how could I forget? Your favorite quote was "sex, sex, and more sex." Classy! That proved a lot that I was told growing up, but I shoved it to the back of my mind because I truly wanted a relationship with you. So, I finally formed a relationship with you and you were finally trying to be there for me. The only time I got to see you was when I was in the hospital or I ran away, but I was happy to see you as well as my brothers. You were trying to prove yourself to me and I was beginning to put faith in you. I now believe this was all a part of your plan. You wanted me on your side. You wanted me to always believe you and put faith in you. I did for a long time until now.
Now let's do a flash-forward to last year. Last year you left my stepfather. There are a million and one different stories as to why. You say it's because he abused you. He says it's because you were cheating on him with a guy at work. However, the proof in the pudding says you left him because you are greedy. You left him because he was saving up money to give a better life to you and the boys. You wanted that money for some unknown reason. You were unappreciative of what he was trying to do. So, instead of being patient for that better life, you moved yourself into a single room to struggle financially. Not only that, my stepfather didn't abuse you. I know you two had your altercations, but more often than not; they were mutual. You burned him with cigarettes, gave him black eyes, and broke his wrist. The time you claim he "threw" a table at you; he wiped the table clean and knocked everything to your feet after you hit him in the head with a zippo lighter. So, I think you were far from abused. I think you wanted people to feel sorry for you, so you said you were abused when in reality you were both equally guilty. Now getting back to you cheating on him. You flat out lied to me when you denied ever cheating on him. You admitted everything to everyone else and I saw it with my own two eyes. Why did you lie to me? Eventually, you should have known I would have found out the truth. Keep in mind, I knew the truth without seeing it. Your past has proven to repeat itself over and over again. I know you were cheating on him for quite a while and have cheated on him several times in the past. You replied to and posted Craigslist ads. You sent pictures to various guys. Eight days before you went down to Texas to be with Mr. Wonderful you were sending pictures to a guy in New York. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm lying. I'll show you the proof in black and white. I am not saying my stepfather was a perfect guy. We all know he was far from it. However, you are no saint yourself.
Now, you claim to be all torn up that my brothers won't talk to you. Do you blame them? You cheated on their father however many times, but they only know of once. Then you abandoned them. You couldn't even stay in the same state to see them or fight for them. Maybe if you put half as much effort into being a good parent as you do looking for a good lay, then you might be a halfway decent parent. Also, you might have all of your kids talking to you. Instead, you were more concerned with finding the next man to take care of you. I feel sorry for your boyfriend to an extent. I don't think he really knows anything about you. All he knows is he thinks it was puppy love back when you were a teen. He has no idea what you became after that. However, with my recent findings on him; I question whether or not he would care. Are you aware that your Mr. Wonderful is on a sex on the side site? He logged in one day ago, requested another girl to email him about 2-3 weeks ago and added 5 new pictures 3-4 months ago. This is who you think is Mr. Wonderful? I think you have a misguided view on wonderful. Disgusting, yes. Wonderful, no. However, I think you two are perfect for each other. You're like two peas in a pod. He didn't fight for his son and you haven't fought for any of your children. It's a match made in Heaven.
Since you left my stepfather, you have tried to make it so the only person I talk to is you. You didn't want me to talk to my cousin, my aunt, my stepfather, or my brothers. You tried to make each and every one of them out to be the devil. I know the truth now. The only devil in this situation is you. It was wrong for you to try and control who I talk to. The truth is, you didn't want me to talk to B (my cousin) because you feared her telling me the truth. You knew everything you had told her and you wanted to make her out to be a terrible person, a liar, and more just so I wouldn't believe anything she said. Well, you failed when the writing was on the wall. I know everything you told her and I will get to that here in a bit. You didn't want me to talk to L (my aunt) because you knew that you were in the wrong, but you still wanted me to stand by you. You were wrong for trash talking B and allowing your boyfriend who doesn't even know her to do the same. B made a big mistake in trusting you. The things she confided in you with you had no right to go blasting to the world, especially knowing everything she knew and witnessed. You didn't want me talking to my stepfather because you had left him. Okay, that I can half understand. My brothers? You didn't want me to talk to them because they wouldn't talk to you. Regardless, they are still my brothers. When I asked you about if/when I get married if you would be able to be cordial with B, you said you wouldn't even be able to be in the same room as her. How old are you? 12? My wedding day would be my day. You should be able to be around whoever without an issue because you're more mature than that and don't want to ruin my day. I guess that's the difference between class and trash! B has class. She told me she just wouldn't talk to you, but would not cause an issue whatsoever. However, now none of this is an issue. I am ruling you out of my life and I will invite whoever I wish when I get married. Speaking of getting married, though. Have you not learned anything from your last two marriages? You're not the marrying kind. You are incapable of being faithful and holding down a marriage. So, if I were you (thank God I'm not) I would not waste time or energy on getting married again.
So, now let's get to the number of things you have said about me as your daughter to a number of people. Well, first you were extremely upset that I got back together with DB back in September of 2010. Why? Were you upset that you wouldn't be able to control me the way you wanted to if I wouldn't be moving down there? Were you jealous that I have a solid relationship built on love, which is why we have made it through so much. You know it's like him and I are already married. I'm almost certain your vows meant nothing to you both times, but you know that whole for better or for worse thing? Well, that's DB and I. We have stuck it out for better or for worse. We believe in each other and our relationship. This is called true love, something you wouldn't know anything about. So, I'm sorry you're so jealous and upset that I'm happy. You'll get over it. Now the next thing I know you said doesn't even upset me. It actually makes me laugh my @$$ off! You said you felt bad for Sweet Pea and the child I was carrying being Lil Bean. You claimed I was a bad parent. HA!!!! You would know all about parenting, wouldn't you. I mean, you only walked out on all four of your kids. Never in my wildest dreams would I EVER walk out on my children. I know damn well that I am an outstanding parent. I do not raise my voice, nor do I lay a finger on any of my children. Of course, you wouldn't know any of this seeing as how you haven't seen Sweet Pea since he was 3 months old. Right now I am basically a single parent. I do it all on my own for a newborn and a toddler. I stay up until 4am or later each day working my @$$ off to provide for my children. Have I run into a financial rut? Sure, but I went from solely depending on DB's paycheck to doing it on my own literally overnight. However, I have since picked myself back up from that financial rut now. I am up at 8am to get ready for the day and get up with the kids, feed them breakfast, go to the park, and go about our daily activities. During nap time after lunch, I work more. I let Sweet Pea have his free time before dinner. After dinner they both get a bath and we go into the bedtime routine. By 8pm they are both in bed and I can begin working. So, my days are dedicated to my children and I work 8-10 hours to be sure they have everything they need. So, please tell me how I am a bad mother and also enlighten me as to how you would know!
So, I'm sure you want to hear about all the grand things you have done for me and how I should be oh so grateful. Well, there really isn't much. You bought my dolls from Rite Aid, visited me in the hospital, and picked me up when I ran away. Oh, you want something big that I have to thank you for? Well, that's easy! Well, actually there are two things. Thank you for giving me life. I am grateful for every day I am here. My life may not have been easy, but it has made me one tough cookie. Next, I want to thank you for showing me how NOT to be. I'm a million times more of a mother to my children than you ever were or will be and because of you, I know exactly how to be a mother to my children; I just have to be the exact opposite of you. You also showed me how not to be in a relationship and as a respectable member of society. So, thank you for that.
Tonight I watched American Idol and Lauren Alaina's final performance was what her first single will be if she wins. Well, I balled my eyes out. Read the lyrics below and watch the video.
People always say
I have a laugh like my mother does
Guess that makes sense
She taught me how to smile when things get rough
I've got her spirit, she's always got my back
When I look at her I think I want to be just like that
When I love I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does
She's a rock, she is grace
She's an angel, she's my heart and soul
She does it all
When I love, I give it all I've got
Like my mother does
When I'm scared I bow my head and pray
Like my mother does
When I'm weak and unpretty
I know I'm beautiful and strong
Because I see myself
Like my mother does
<
If you read the lyrics, you will notice the line: "When I look at her I think I want to be just like that." You are NOTHING that I want to be. How sad is that? I can't relate to any of these mother/daughter songs. I don't want to be like you. Everything you are is nothing that I am. I only look like you and I thank God that I wasn't raised by you. Who knows what kind of things I would have been subjected to by you.
In closing, I will tell you that I forgive you for all of the hurt you have put me through. I will never forget any of it, though. I forgive you because you are a very lost soul and if I don't forgive you, why should I be forgiven? So, I forgive you. I feel very sorry for you. I don't hate you. I'm not sure how I feel about you. I don't hate you, though. Hate is a very strong word. Am I angry? You bet your last penny I am! Am I hurt? You better believe it! So, I will just pray for you. I will pray real prayers, but for now I have spent the last four hours in tears as I have written this. So, I'm going to post one last video to make me feel better.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
For The Love Of Nani
In supporting Nani, a website has been made. This website is called For the Love of Nani. I am unsure who is behind the website, but it is someone who supports and loves Nani. That much is apparent. The website is looking for support and love for Nani in the form of artwork, poetry, among other forms. If it's original and supportive, it is welcome. There is also a section for messages you can leave to show Nani support. The website even has a forum.
I think this website is great. You don't have to know Nani. You can support the message. Maybe you suffered a miscarriage. Maybe you have been ridiculed. If you can identify with Nani or just want to show her some support, please check out For the Love of Nani.
We All Bleed Red
So, tonight I was listening to music on my TV as I worked. Well, this one song came on that I had never heard before called Bleed Red by Ronnie Dunn. The song really hit home for me. The main message was that we're all the same in the sense that we all bleed red.
This song really hit home for me as I listened to every word.
"Let's say we're sorry before it's too late
Give forgiveness a chance
Turn anger into water
Let it slip through our hands."
Listening to that first verse just brought out a lot of emotions for me. I want to apologize to the family that raised me for all the hell I put them through. I'd like to ask for their forgiveness. However, I'd like for them to apologize to so I can forgive them. It's a hard thing for anyone to understand, but gaining their forgiveness and having them admit what they did wrong and apologizing to me for it would mean so much to me. I hold a lot of anger inside for things that happened over the years and for them completely turning their backs on me. I think that this would help get rid of that anger. Of course, I know it would never happen. Thinking about it is just wishful thinking I guess. I just miss having a family. I have two sons who won't really have much of an extended family because my family turned their back on me and have never given me another opportunity and probably never will. They took my father and his wife at their word and never stopped to think about the fact that there are three sides to every story; their side, my side, and the truth. I may never fully forgive my father, but I could at least try. I wish he would see what he has done to me. I wish a lot of things that will never happen.
"We all bleed red, we all taste rain
We all fall down, lose our way
We all say words we regret
We all cry tears, we all bleed red."
I lost my way a lot during my life. I don't think I'm the only one, and I also think that anyone else who lived the life I did would have done the same. Yes, I was spoiled by my grandparents growing up. Dig deeper than that. I was lied to and disowned. How would any child feel? I rebelled, I acted out. I fell down and lost my way. I was judged for it and disowned and ridiculed. I remember many words from my father that still ring in the back of my mind. Does he regret saying any of those words? Was he influenced or is this who he really is?
"Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're weak
Sometimes we're hurt, and it cuts deep
We live this life breath to breath
We're all the same, we all bleed red."
There are days I feel strong and other days I feel weak. There are days I don't let anything get to me and then there's other days I just have to find the time to cry out how I'm feeling. I was hurt a lot by my own flesh and blood over and over again as I grew up. It wasn't just my father, though. It hurts when I think about it. I could never treat my children the same way I was treated. I vowed to myself I would never be like that.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day 9 & 10: Trying and Emotional
Today was a really hard day for me. I've been really emotional and struggling with the kids. It seemed like they were both crying at the same time all day. I took them to Walmart and Lil' Bean cried the entire way home. I couldn't keep Sweet Pea off the stairs while I unloaded everything and brought the stroller in. Today really took a lot out of me. I miss DB a lot and I really wish the courts would change things. I am hoping our first session together at Chrysalis will change things. I have no help. I don't know anyone here. I just want my life back. I want my family that I created back. That family includes myself, DB, and both boys. I want us all together again. I want to feel whole again.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Loving These Giveaways
Really Getting Serious About Saving
Day 1: Heartbroken
I miss him. I always miss him. I just want our family back. I wish the courts could see how much I struggle without him. I know what he did was wrong and I know it can't be overlooked. However, he has come so far. He is attending Batterers Intervention, AA twice a week, and church 5 hours a week. He also started attending Fathertime with Kyler and plans on either picking that back up or going to a different parenting class when he gets out. He has not taken a sip of alcohol since the night that caused all of this. He is also doing his individual counseling. He is doing so much. He is doing everything he can to change. I am proud of him.
I struggle. I struggle emotionally and financially. DB was the moneymaker and I have been struggling ever since I had to take over. I have had to get some serious assistance and even that hasn't been enough. I was hoping after all of this he'd be able to come back home and we'd be able to pay together.
Today was heartbreaking for so many different reasons. When we were in the courtroom I spoke, his grandmother spoke, his lawyer spoke, and DB spoke. It almost sounded promising. Then the DA spoke. That killed it all. He felt the need to bring up things we all already knew. Then the judge started talking. She was talking all positive about DB, but then went downhill. She starts talking about programs and probation. Then a deputy came in and stood in the corner. At that moment I knew exactly what would be next. He got sentenced to 20 days in jail and the protective order would not be lifted. "20 days to be served immediately." The deputy went over to DB and I couldn't handle it. I stormed out of the courtroom in tears.
A friend of mine had the kids outside of the courtroom. I grabbed Sweet Pea and held him so tight and cried. Then DB came out. I saw him out of the corner of my eye. It was a blur. I couldn't even look at him. It was too hard. It was even harder because Sweet Pea was there. I tried not to let him see, but I don't know how well I accomplished that as I was in tears.
I just hope he knows I love him. I miss him. I have a feeling this will set Sweet Pea backwards...again. Thank you stupid courts. I just want my house to be a home again. I want our family back. Right now I just pray he's okay.
Serious About Signing
So, I have decided to get serious about sign language. I'm getting serious about a lot lately, huh? Coupons, giveaways, sign language. Well, I really want to learn sign language. I have a couple of different reasons as to why. First, one of my really close friends is deaf and I would like to be able to communicate with her easier in person. Second, I want to teach the kids sign language. It would be their first mode of communication, especially for Lil' Bean. Everyone says the sooner the better. So, I'll be starting a little late with Sweet Pea. I still think he will benefit from it. He's not saying a whole lot yet, so this could help us communicate. I also just think it would be great for them to know.
Now, I know this won't be an easy task. It's just like learning another foreign language. The only difference is this is completely with your hands. Some people may catch on quicker than others, but simple things can be learned rather quickly. I already know a few things. I know: cookie, toilet, yes, no, dolphin, baby, eat, up, down, please, thank you, love, A, E, N, M, and O.
I've been a little stressed out about how I'm going to be able to learn sign language. I surely don't have the money to pay for a tutor or anything. Well, thanks to the world wide web there are some great websites out there. One website I found that I really like is Signing Savvy. I really like this website because you can type in any word or phrase and it will show you how to sign that word or phrase. You can also go through signs by categories such as baby signs, numbers, colors, fingerspelling, animals, and more. Another great link is ASL University. You can access their self-study materials for free or you can choose to attend their courses for a fee.
With those links, I really think I can learn sign language. I may not become fluent any day soon. However, I can learn enough to begin working with the kids relatively quickly. To become fully fluent, it would probably take the average adult anywhere from 6 months to a year or more. If you're surrounded by the deaf culture, then you will probably learn a lot quicker. Unfortunately, I'm not. So, it will take me some time. I think it's worth it, though.
When it comes to signing with the kids, I also found three really great links to help. The first is Signing With Your Baby. I really like that website because it really motivates you. They even have baby signing videos on YouTube. You can also connect with them through Facebook. They're really helpful in telling you how to get started and letting you know what to expect from your child. They have a baby signing dictionary on their site as well as a ton of other links and resources. Aside from all of the information on their site, they also have a store on Amazon. Their store offers books, dvd's, flashcards, and more to help teach your baby sign language. The second helpful link I found is My Baby Can Talk. This website shows you all the baby signs for specific letters. You just select the letter and it will generate a list of words. Then you click on the word you want to learn and it will show you a short video clip on how to sign the word in sign language. The last helpful link I have found is Baby Sign Language. This website is jam packed with information. It has a dictionary, a wall chart, flashcards, and more. You can also connect with them on Facebook.
I'm actually pretty excited to start on this venture. I think it will be good for both me and the kids. I think maybe I'll set aside a little bit of time each week to study myself and then work with them. Have you ever considered learning sign language or teaching your kids? Want to join in on this venture with me?
Check out this pretty awesome video for the deaf. I really like the message in it. Seeing the quotes in the beginning are really upsetting, though. I can't believe how the deaf are ridiculed for something that isn't their fault.
Day 8: Wishing I Could Talk To Him
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
What Grinds My Gears: People Who Just Show Up
Feeding A Picky, Stubborn Toddler
Crazy Weather
He Smiled!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Day 7: Worried
Baby Sign Language
Getting Better With My Diet
Naming Your Children
What Would Jesus Say?
So, last night I read something rather...interesting I guess you could say.
"Children born out of wed lock. What would Jesus say?"
This frustrated me. I have two children and no, I am not married. I'm also not perfect. I am, however, human. I make mistakes. Reading that really got to me, though. I fear my Judgement Day. I know I have not lead a perfect life. I know I have made my mistakes. We all make mistakes, right? Some more than others, some bigger than others. I guess I just don't like being looked at as 'that girl.' You know, the one who had not one, but two kids out of wed lock.
If I were to judge, I guess I would say my second child is out of worse circumstances than the first. My first was at least conceived out of a loving relationship, one that will one day end in marriage. My second was just conceived. There was no love. It just was. The after effects were hate, from the CSD. I love both of my kids and I would not trade them in for the world.
I fear everything. I do think about what all I will have to answer for on my Judgement Day. I don't want to go to Hell. I want to go to Heaven. I want DB to go to Heaven too. I want my kids in Heaven. I want everyone I know and love to be in Heaven with me. I want to know them again when I'm there. I know that per the Bible and everything I was taught that you're not even supposed to have sex until you're married. So, obviously having children 'out of wed lock' is wrong. I guess I just want to know how wrong. Am I going to Hell for it? Will I be forgiven for it? Will my children be punished?
Monday, May 16, 2011
Day 6: Loved
Pro Life or Pro Choice
However, when it comes to situations such as rape, I can understand why people would get an abortion. I can understand not wanting to carry and deliver a child from some a traumatic experience. Still in saying that, I do believe everyone deserves a chance at life. So, I guess I'm more pro life, but I can try to understand the pro choice side of things when it comes to rape.
I do not in any way condone the use of abortion as birth control. When I lived in Alaska, I knew a girl who used abortion as birth control. In the year I talked to her, she had gotten three abortions. They make actual birth control for a reason! I also do not agree with the ability to get an abortion so late in your pregnancy now.
I believe that a child is a blessing, not a choice. The choice was made when you willingly participated in adult activities. However, adoption is always an option. When I got pregnant with Lil' Bean, it was not by DB. DB and I had separated and I got pregnant by someone else. We will refer to that someone else as CSD (cheap sperm donor haha). Well, CSD did not react well when I told him I was pregnant. Before I had found out I was pregnant I had plans on leaving him. So, naturally I found out I was pregnant. I knew I was pregnant. I skipped over the pregnancy test and went right to the doctor only to find out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. I just knew. I had that feeling. After I told him we kind of stopped talking and I just moved out. Then I started getting monetary offers. He wanted to pay me off. He also tried forcing me into an abortion. I flat out refused and told him not to worry because his name would not be associated with the baby. He didn't want to pay child support. I was even harassed by members of his family. His family and his chain of command (he was/is in the army) were helping him to evade his responsibility. I let it go. I saw it as a bad situation to involve a child in. So, I walked away from it all and made the decision that I would be a single mom of two. Two months later that changed when I got back together with DB. I was stupid for ever leaving him in the first place. DB decided he would take on the baby as his own. He said every baby deserves a dad and he wanted to be daddy to both of my children. Sweet Pea is his biologically and Lil' Bean is his in every other way. My pregnancy was very difficult. There were times I didn't know what to think. I had no attachment to my Lil' Bean basically until he was born. Now I can't imagine my life without him. I regret my relationship with CSD, but I do not regret Lil' Bean. I know when Lil' Bean grows up he might have questions and I will deal with them when the time comes.
I know that there are people who are pro choice and I believe everyone has a right to their own opinion. My opinion is my opinion and their opinion is theirs. This is America and we have the beauty of freedom of speech. Like I said, I can understand pro choice on some levels. So, I'm not all gung ho about being pro life. It's just what I believe for myself. I am just not one to push my beliefs on someone else. However, people and their opinions and reasonings do interest me. So, are you pro life or pro choice?
What's A Good Number?
Well, I sit here and wonder what is a good number to make on a monthly, or even yearly, basis for a household of two boys under the age of two? Right now I only push myself to make enough to get by. I think I should work more and strive to make a certain number each week, month, and year. However, I'm just not sure what those numbers should be. I sit here and think about numbers wondering if I'm shooting too high or too low.
My main source of income is writing. I know how much I can make an hour and although working 8 hours a day would be ideal, it's not always possible. I have two main projects and if I take three days each week to work on my smaller project and the other four to work on my larger project, I think I make more than enough. If I can buckle down and work 30 hours over the course of 3 days on the smaller project and 32 hours over the course of 4 days on the larger project I can make a good amount of money. My bills will always be paid, things I want to do for the kids and DB will be taken care of, and I can work on paying off some debt.
Where do I fail the most? I stay logged in on Facebook and Yahoo while I'm working and get distracted. I think I need to really start treating this like a real job. No social networking, messengers, or cell phone while I work. I think I need to actually set a schedule. On the days I do the smaller job, I need to work longer; 10 hours. I will still be tending to the kids and I'd like to break it up. The kids generally don't wake up until 10am. So, I think I will start working at 7am each morning and work until noon. That gives me 3 hours I can work straight through. Naptime happens at 1pm, so I will probably take a nap with them sticking to this schedule. Then I'll pick working back up from 6pm-11pm. The kids are in bed at 8pm usually, so that gives me another 3 hours I can work straight through. On the days I work on my larger job, I only need 8 hours. So, I think I'll from 8am-noon and 6pm-10pm.
I think I like the idea of having a schedule. This schedule will go into effect tomorrow. I need to get a good night's sleep. If I can stick to this, which I hope I can, then things can really change for my family. I am glad I have finally come up with a plan. Being a single SAHM can be challenging, especially when I work from home. I think breaking it up and having half of my work time happen when the kids are sleeping will really be beneficial. I can spend a good amount of time with them when I'm not working. Do you work from home? What do you do? How have you learned to manage your time effectively?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
