I Blame...

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You know, I envy those picture perfect families. I sure as heck didn't have one. I went from being the only child from my biological mom and dad to being the youngest child being lied to by my grandparents and my father's whole family to being so alone in this world it isn't even funny. I am alone. The only family I have left that I talk to is my biological mom, my cousin, and my cousins husband. That's it.

My biological dad was a real piece of work. I saw him all the time growing up and then when I was 13, I moved in with him. That was the continuance of hell on Earth for me. He ruined my life day in and day out. He was never a father to me. He was a dictator and an abuser, as was his wife. He was never my teacher or role model.

So, what all do I blame my father for? Well, I blame him for never once preparing me for the real world. He didn't teach me how to drive. He didn't teach me about getting hurt and what guys were all about. He didn't teach me anything. He taught me that abusing was okay and alcoholics were socially accepted. He taught me that women are never good enough and must constantly better their appearance.

Because my father never taught me a thing about the real world, I have gotten hurt and screwed over a lot in my life. I walk scared now. I am overly emotional. I am a victim, but at the same time; a survivor.

At the end of the day, I feel like I have nobody who will never hurt me. The ones you never expect to hurt you, do. The ones you expect to hurt you, hurt you more than you ever thought possible. I cling to my kids and make sure they know how much I love them. I make sure they know I would never hurt them. They are my everything. I know that my children are the only ones who will love me unconditionally provided I treat them with love, which I always have and always will.

For some reason, I still cling to the fact that certain people in my life or who have been in my life before will change. I pray every night for it.

I blame my father for the way I am, though. He tore me apart growing up. I got told that I was a failure, a f*ck up, a nothing, a nobody; and that's all I'll ever be. I got told I would never amount to anything. I got told I was unlovable. I got told I was a disgrace and that I was the child he never wanted. I took so much abuse from my father that I guess as I moved out and dealt with other people similar to him, I thought it was normal.

He never taught me what love was. I know who I love. I just hope he has the power to change to be the person he needs to be for himself, his children, and his family. I pray for him every night and that includes tonight. I believe in him and I believe in us. I just pray that faith is enough.