Silenced
by Nikki Layne
Silenced. That was what Vicky had become. She gone through a lot of ups and downs with her boyfriend, Justian. They had been together for three years. They were between rock bottom and happily ever after depending on the day of the week.
When Vicky and Justian first got together, they were a very happy couple. Many people warned her it was just a honeymoon period, but she didn't listen. She had never been in love before, but she felt like Justian was the one; she loved him.
Vicky and Justian were the perfect match just looking at them together. Vicky was a thin girl who was on the short side, standing at 5'2. She was a beautiful brunette with tanned skin and big, brown eyes. Justian was slender and only a few inches taller than Vicky. He had dirty blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes.
Aside form how Vicky and Justian looked together, you could tell how in love they were. Justian held her hand everywhere they went, opened doors, and pulled out chairs. He was a first-class gentleman. He made Vicky really feel loved. He held her up on a pedestal. Vicky had never experienced a relationship like it before. She couldn't get enough of his love. She felt like a princess.
Justian was a United States Soldier. Six months into their relationship, he deployed to Iraq. Vicky had never dealt with a deployment before of someone she loved. She did her best to remain strong as she helped him prepare. She made sure he had everything he needed and she went with him to wait on the buses that would take him to the nearby Airforce base that would fly him to Iraq. Vicky never cried harder in her life than when she watched the buses pull away.
While Justian was deployed, their relationship was tested in more ways than Vicky would have ever thought possible. At first, Justian called her as much as he possibly could. Vicky heard from him in some way at least once a week, whether by phone, email, or mail.
Four months into the deployment, Justian got to come home for his R&R. During the time he was home, things changed. Justian was a different person. He wanted to try new things and Vicky allowed it; for the most part. She just wanted him to be happy, so she let him try what he wanted. She had hoped it was all a phase and things would go back to normal soon.
It started with Justian wanting to drink. A lot. He was buying bottles of liquor and cases of beer each night. Vicky was guilty of drinking with him. At first she thought it was fun. After a while, though, it got old. Apparently, it got old for Justian too. Then, he decided he wanted to smoke a little marijuana. The drinking and smoking wasn't too terribly bad. Vicky was alright with it. Justian then decided he wanted to try something much harder. He wanted to try ecstasy. He thought it would be a good way to have crazy, intimate fun with Vicky. Vicky knew that her co-worker Juliet had connections for it. So, Vicky got in touch with her. She just wanted Justian to be happy. Justian and Vicky went to pick up the ecstasy. Juliet wanted to do it with them and have a good time. Vicky had no idea how bad of an idea this was until later.
The ecstasy hit Justian pretty quickly. Vicky felt some minor effects of it, but nothing to the extent that Justian was feeling. Justian sat in the middle of Vicky and Juliet on the couch. Vicky could not believe her eyes as her heart began to race and dropped into the pit of her stomach. Justian began rubbing Juliet's leg. The rage Vicky had inside were indescribable. She was at a loss for words. She knew she had become the babysitter for a couple of adults for the night. She drank as much water as she could and ate some crackers to try and find her sobriety. Finally, Vicky was able to find some words.
“Just what did you think you were doing,” Vicky asked Justian?
“What are you talking about,” Justian replied rather confused.
“What? You don't realize what you just did? You just rubbed Juliet's leg! Have you forgotten who your girlfriend is? It's not her, but by all means if you want her to be, I'm sure you'll make a fine pair,” Vicky yelled at him!
“I'm sorry,” he said as he began to cry. “I didn't mean to,” he said.
Vicky went up to bed and cried. She didn't want to witness anything else. She didn't feel like he cared. As far as she was concerned, he had tried to cheat on her right in front of her eyes. She knew it was the drugs, but she still took it hard. She laid in bed all alone and cried herself to sleep that night. She hugged her pillow wishing she had never allowed him to take ecstasy or do any of the other out of the ordinary things she allowed him to do.
She never expected him to do anything like this. She never thought he would make her feel this way. She just hoped that in time she would be able to forgive him. She hoped that it didn't ruin their relationship forever beyond repair.
Vicky woke up the next morning and Juliet was gone. In the back of her mind, she questioned if anything else happened after she went up to bed, but she refused to question it. She felt as thought she knew enough and that anything else would destroy her and their relationship, so she never asked.
The rest of R&R was not the same. Vicky was pretty upset about everything. She refused to sleep in the same bed with Justian until she could forgive him. They fought for the remainder of R&R. The great relationship they once had, was gone. Vicky still loved Justian, but she needed some time to sort everything out and get over it on her own.
R&R ended and Justian went back to finish the rest of his tour in Iraq. Justian and Vicky talked much less this time around. If Vicky asked for Justian to call her, he made it seem like it was too much to ask. He never wanted to get online. It was almost as if Justian wanted to ignore Vicky's existence. Vicky wanted to talk so they could get their relationship back to what it was before the happenings of R&R. Justian just didn't seem like he wanted any part of it.
A couple weeks after Justian went back to Iraq, Vicky found out she had gotten pregnant over R&R. They were expecting. Vicky couldn't have been more excited. Justian seemed happy about it, but still didn't seem the same.
Vicky felt like something was really off with Justian. She had a feeling he had found someone new. She couldn't have been more right. He had another girlfriend on the east coast of the United States. Justian had never even met this girl, but he was telling her how much he loved her. Vicky found all of this out by logging into his email. She spent that night in tears. She couldn't believe he would cheat on her, at least not sober. She felt worthless. She couldn't believe how easily he replaced her without even leaving her. She sobbed until she couldn't sob any longer. Then she sent Justian an email.
Justian,
How could you do this to me? To us? To our family? We're about to have a child and you're off finding sluts online to leave me for! You could have at least had the decency to leave before you went off hooking up with girls online! But I get it. Have fun.
-Vicky
There was a lot more Vicky wanted to say. She just didn't see the point in putting so much effort into an email that may never get a reply. Vicky had other things to worry about, like how she was going to raise a child on her own and what she would tell him or her about Justian.
A couple of months went by before she heard from Justian. She never expected to hear from him again. She checked her email consistently after everything happened hoping to hear from him, but after a couple of weeks she had given up hope. So, when she did finally get an email from him, she was in shock.
Vicky,
I'm really sorry. I don't know why I did what I did. I was stupid. I just hope that maybe one day you can forgive me and we can be a family. How is your pregnancy going? I hope to hear back from you, but if not I understand.
-Justian
Vicky couldn't believe it. She still loved him. So, she of course took him back. Unfortunately, this time around they argued a lot. Justian spent most of his time yelling at Vicky telling her how she did everything wrong and that it was her fault he cheated both times. He said she wasn't being passionate enough and wasn't supplying what he needed. Vicky did all she could to change this. She wanted to be able to make Justian happy. She loved him so much and never wanted to lose him.
Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before Justian stopped giving Vicky a chance to change. This time, instead of Justian replacing Vicky with one girl; he had at least ten lined up all over the United States. Vicky was completely distraught. She felt like no matter how hard she tried to make him happy it didn't matter to him. This time she sent him an even shorter email.
Justian,
I know. I'm going back home.
-Vicky
Vicky moved back home to be closer to her family. She knew she'd need some kind of support after she had the baby. She obviously wasn't going to get it from Justian.
Vicky thought about Justian all the time. She was still in love with him. She could never let go of that. She always thought he was the one. She just wished things didn't change like they did over R&R.
She didn't hear from Justian until was back from Iraq for good. Vicky was five months pregnant. It was a boy. She had already picked out his name. Ethan Riley. Justian had claimed he was done cheating and truly wanted to work things out. Vicky believed him. The problem was, they now lived on opposite coasts. Vicky hoped they could work over the phone until she had the baby. There was no way she was going to move again in the middle of her pregnancy.
Finally, Vicky had reached the end of her pregnancy. Her water had broken. The time had come for her to meet her little boy. Unfortunately, the military wouldn't let Justian be there because they weren't married. Vicky sent him a text message letting him know, but she never heard back. She told her mom to continue trying to get ahold of him. Half an hour went by and Vicky's mom came back with a look on her face like something was wrong.
“What's wrong mom,” asked Vicky?
“Nothing. I'll tell you later,” replied her mom.
Vicky had a really quick labor. Forty minutes went by and Ethan Riley was born at 1:09am. He weighed six pounds and was nineteen and half inches long. He was beautiful with dirty blonde hair and fair skin.
“He looks just like Justian, mom,” Vicky said excitedly!
“Yeah,” replied her mom softly.
“Take a picture of him, mom. I want to send a picture to Justian,” said Vicky.
Vicky's mom had taken the picture and Vicky sent it Justian's phone.
“I can't wait until Justian can meet our little boy! I can't believe we made such a sweet, little baby,” Vicky said absolutely beside herself.
“Vicky, we need to talk,” said her mom.
“Okay. What's up,” asked Vicky?
“Justian answered his phone earlier, but not knowingly,” her mom began.
“What do you mean,” Vicky asked puzzled?
“There was a girl moaning in the background. I'm sorry, but I don't think Justian is the guy you think he is,” said her mom.
Vicky held Ethan close to her as she cried. She kissed him on his forehead and prayed he would grow up to be a respectable young man. Vicky sent Justian a text message. She kept it short and sweet.
Have fun. I delivered our son just fine. Not that you care.
Vicky raised Ethan on her own for three months. She didn't hear from Justian once. She mailed him pictures and emailed him videos. Not once did she even get a thank you. She got nothing.
Then one day UPS delivered a box. Vicky wasn't expecting anything. It was a ton of clothes and toys for Ethan. At the bottom of the box was an envelope with “Vicky” written on it. The box was from Justian. The letter was seven pages long. Justian was begging for another chance. He apologized for everything he had done. He had included plane tickets and a check for moving costs for her and Ethan.
Vicky being who she was, accepted. She loved Justian more than he knew. She wanted to be a family with him and their son. She hired movers and was on a plane in under a month.
When Vicky and Ethan got to Washington, things were great. It was like her relationship with Justian went back to how it was before R&R. She couldn't have been happier. She didn't find any signs of him cheating or anything. Over the next three months, she began putting more trust into Justian then she ever thought she would again.
Justian seemed genuinely happy to be with Vicky again. He was extremely sweet and loving towards her. He was also loving being a daddy. He loved the time he got to spend with Ethan when he wasn't working. They were a happy family. Ethan was getting big. Justian and Vicky were beginning to talk about the possibilities of getting married. Vicky couldn't have been happier than when she found out Justian wanted to marry her. Things were going really well. Vicky had almost forgotten everything they had gone through.
Then Justian started drinking and became a bigger monster than ever before. He would drink and tell Vicky how she wasn't good enough. He would break her down and belittle her. He called her fat and told her how all the girls he cheated on her with were by far better looking than her. This became a weekly occurrence at minimum. Vicky hoped it would end soon and he would start to make her feel good about herself again. That's not what happened, though. Instead, things go worse.
Vicky began telling him to please not talk down to her. That was her first mistake. Justian was very angry and pushed her up against the wall.
“I am the boss,” Justian yelled at Vicky! “You don't say a word.”
Justian had never laid a finger on Vicky before. She had no idea where this was coming from. That night she held Ethan closer. She made him promises she knew she would never keep.
“We'll get out of here soon. You won't have to see mommy cry for much longer,” Vicky cried as she rocked her baby boy.
The tears rolled down her face as she dreamed of better days. She remembered when her and Justian were so in love. She remembered when things were truly good. She didn't know if things were ever going to go back to that. She hoped and prayed that they would.
A few weeks later, Justian came home belligerent. He was more drunk than Vicky had ever seen him. He began yelling at Vicky.
“You ruined my life! I had dreams of joining special forces, but now that I have you and a baby I can't,” he yelled at her! “That was the one thing I looked forward to in my career and you took that away from me! I hate you! I hate you and I hate this family!”
Vicky buried her head in her pillows on the bed as she cried. His words hurt her. She couldn't believe this was how he felt. She felt awful. She thought this was what he wanted. She thought he wanted her and wanted to have a family with her.
As Vicky was crying she felt Justian sitting on the bed. He was crying. So, she went to console him. She laid closer to him.
“Everything will be okay,” she tried comforting him.
“Everything will not be okay,” he yelled back! “Leave me alone! I hate you! Get away from me! I hate everything that you are!”
Vicky continued crying and then blurted out words she had no idea what the repercussions would be.
“If you hate me so much, why don't you just kill me,” Vicky asked?
“Fine,” Justian yelled!
Justian got on top of Vicky and chocked her. It felt like hours. She felt helpless as she begged for him to get off of her. She prayed as she tried kicked him off of her. Finally, Justian got off of her. Vicky couldn't even think straight. She ran to the bathroom and locked the door. She called the police while she sat on the floor contemplating suicide. The only thing talking her out of taking her own life was her son, Ethan. Ethan meant everything to her and she never wanted him to grow up not knowing her. She never wanted to be without him.
The police came and Justian went to jail for about a month. After he got out, he started trying to get better. He admitted that Iraq had changed him. He quit drinking entirely and started attending Alcoholics Anonymous. He also got himself counseling to try and really work on himself. As he was doing all of these things, Vicky wondered if he was capable of changing. Vicky was scared of him. She tried not to be because she knew how great he could be too, but she also knew how much of a monster he could be as well.
Justian contacted Vicky by mail. He sent her a letter being extremely apologetic and admitting all of his wrongdoings. He wanted an opportunity to make it all up to her and show her her would be different. Vicky didn't really know what to think. She still loved him. She knew she always would, but she just wasn't sure about giving him another chance. Every second chance she gave him, he broke her heart again. This last time he shattered her whole world. However, she loved him. She wanted to believe he could change. She gave him another chance.
For a few weeks, Justian was great. He was loving, calm, and caring. Vicky struggled still, though. Anytime he would touch her neck, whether with a kiss or a massage, she got scared. She had her guard up. She couldn't help it. The night he choked her, it changed her life forever.
Things went really well for a while. However, then his anger came back. He would pick arguments with Vicky for the littlest things. Vicky just wanted to be with him and wanted to make him happy. So, anything he was upset about, she did her best to change. He even got a bit controlling. He didn't want her talking to anyone. One night he found out she was talking to someone, a female friend. He got extremely angry and said he was leaving. Vicky had begged him to stay. He pushed her against the wall.
Vicky went back to the night he choked her. She got scared. She ran to the other side of the house, knocking chairs down along the way.
“Leave,” she yelled!
“I'm sorry,” he said. “Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.”
“You need to leave. I can't do this again. Leave please,” she said.
“I don't want to, but I will,” he said. “Text me later if you want to talk, but I won't expect you to.”
Vicky texted him later than night.
I still love you. I'm sorry.
Vicky was always sorry. She blamed herself for everything. She felt like every problem that they had was her fault. Justian and her relationship continued on that way. He continued talking down to her, making it so she had zero self-esteem left. She was never good enough for him. She wasn't pretty, smart, thin enough for him. He had really high expectations and she just couldn't fulfill them.
One day Justian had really broken Vicky down. He told her everything that was wrong with her. She did things the wrong way, at the wrong time. She wasn't the type of mother he had imagined for his children. He got mad at her for apologizing. He got even more upset when she cried. He let her know every reason why she wasn't good enough and also made her realize that she never would be.
Vicky stopped. She stopped everything. She stopped talking to Justian. She only replied. She realized that nothing she said or did would change anything. She knew that the arguments would keep coming. She just felt so small in a world so big. She had big dreams for her future with Justian. She loved him, but he had belittled her to the point where she lost her voice. She wouldn't dare say things that would upset him. She gave out very short replies to him.
Justian didn't seem to notice or even seem to care. He just continued to belittle her. However, he stopped getting anything out of Vicky. She cried silently inside of her head. She focused on their son and on herself. She heard what he said, but stopped listening. She lost her voice. It was gone.
Vicky continued living on that way. She decided maybe it was best. Justian and Vicky were together, but they weren't. There was no communication, only one-sided communication from Justian. Vicky didn't talk to anyone except their son. Justian won. She felt like this was everything he aimed to accomplish. She was hurt. She was distraught. She was silenced.
