Just Stop

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I don't know why you're continuing to try accessing my accounts. Just stop. I want nothing to do with you and I never will again. Forget my emails. Forget my name. Forget I'm even your daughter. You did a pretty good job of that for 15-18 years. It shouldn't be too hard to go back to that. Focus on yourself and your own life. Don't worry about me and mine. I will be just fine. I'm better off without you. I have to stand my ground this time. I can't allow you to fool me into your "changes" again. If you change, it'll be all for yourself. That's how it should be. You've just hurt me too many times over the years for me to even consider giving you another chance. This is just how it has to be. You hurt me entirely too much over the years. Seeing that you never changed and probably never will, I can't give you the opportunity to hurt my children. I need to protect them. I don't ever want them to go through what I've gone through. This is the end. It ends here. You don't know me and I don't know you. Stay out of everything of mine. Do not try and contact me.

I Should Be Sleeping

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I was starting to think about going to bed when a song came on. I'm listen to Music Choice on my TV while I work. Well, the Dixie Chick's song called "I'm Not Ready To Make Nice" came on. I listened, like really listened. After the song was done, I pulled up two music videos and two sets of lyrics side by side. I pulled up the Dixie Chick's "I'm Not Ready To Make Nice" and the response "I'm Not Ready To End The Fight" by David Thibodeaux. I played both. I realize that both are military songs pertaining to the war in Iraq. However, given everything I've been dealing with lately I gave them a new meaning.







"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, i'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But i'm still waiting"

I am working very hard to forgive her for everything she has put me through my entire life. Forgetting has honestly been what I've done for 25 years. I was told tonight how unhealthy that is. I was told I have to deal with it, process it. Acting as if it never happened doesn't do anything or find me any closure. Time is supposed to heal everything and so much happened so long ago, but I'm still waiting to be fully healed.

"I'm through with doubt

There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And i'll keep paying"

I doubted a lot over the years. I tried to doubt what I was told. However, now I feel like I no longer have to try and figure out whether certain things happened. It sucks. The price I've paid is in hurt. Everything has brought so much hurt in my life. I know the hurt will never fully go away, but I also know that in time it will get better. I've come close to coming to terms with everything before. However, then I was a made a fool again when I tried to believe in someone and something so unattainable it's unreal.

"It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her

Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger"

What's really sad is when a mother doesn't know her daughter and vice versa. I hate knowing that I never knew you and I never will. I know what was shown to me and I know what I was told, but that's it. The fact is, when someone is like a perfect stranger to you (family or not) it makes it rather difficult to know how you should feel. There isn't hate, but there isn't love either. It's a pretty screwed up feeling of the unknown.

"Forgive, I should
Forget, bet you wish I would"

I know you want me to forgive and forget. Hell, you don't want me to believe anything that I know. However, I think if I would just forgive and forget that it would make things easier for you. I basically have forgiven and forgotten for the last 10 years on and off. I just can't do it anymore. I know what's been done. I forgive you for being lost, but I can't forget the turmoil that ensued from your actions.

"

I’m not ready to end the fight

I’m not ready to back down
I’ve been through hell
And I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to turn back now
You know I wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m proud as hell
I can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should"

This fight will go on forever. I believe what I believe and you want me to believe what you want me to believe. I'm sorry, but I have too much proof to try and believe you. You've lied to me too much. You've put me through hell. I can't continue wasting my time going 'round and 'round having me say what I believe and having you rebuttal with what you want me to believe. I wish you could be honest. I wish I could believe you. You've hurt me a lot, but I am proud of myself for having the ability to be so strong for the 25 years I have been battling this. 

"In your bed you sob like a baby
So full of regret as you lye there prayin’
And it’s a sad, sad story that a mother didn’t teach her
Daughter to respect those who protect her
And now you know how the words that you say
Can send so many over the edge
That hearts fill up with hate and anger
As you dream of a way to make it better
You can’t make it better"

I wonder if you cry and hurt like I do. I wonder if it even affects you at all. I wonder if you regret anything. The unfortunate thing is you threw me to the ground when I was the only one still trying to defend you, protect you, and help you. I was the only one still standing by you through it all. You just couldn't be honest with me. Unfortunately, all of these findings ended up being the straw that broke the camels back. I am angry and I try very hard to not hate. I tell myself it's wrong to hate, but there are times I find myself treading that thin line. I doubt you want to make it better because you've had 25 years to try and make it better. At this point, your chances of making it better have been cut.

I Must Be Pretty Damn Awesome!

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I think it's pretty funny how I have "people" obsessing over me and my life. It's kind of flattering, really. I mean, they are taking time out of their day to stalk me online and be sure they're up to do date on everything. I know I certainly have better things to do than obsess over others. I have my children to take care of, a house to keep neat, and work to do. I love my life, my family, and my friends. I don't need anyone or anything else. (-;

zero motivation

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Today I really need to be working my butt off, but I have no motivation. It's not like it's hard work. I know I'll feel better once it's done. I'll feel even better when I get paid and can pay my bills and my Lil' Bean and Sweet Pea what they need. However, a lot of the time I would much rather snuggle my babies than work.

However, I know that the sooner I finish my work for the day the sooner I can snuggle my babies and do whatever I want. This is the one issue from working from home. I don't have anyone telling me to work and giving me deadlines and such. I am always told to just get it done when I can. I love having such an understanding employer, but it doesn't help me in times like these.







In the words of Gretchen Wilson, "work hard, play harder!"